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If you are like me, you grew up playing with babydolls and thinking of the day when you would have children. Notice I said when, not ‘if’.  Some of us dream of being mothers for as long as we can remember and others do not but decide later on and both are ok. I was the one who KNEW she would be a mommy someday. It was not an ‘if’, it was a ‘when’.

Fast forward closer to adulthood. I start hearing about and following stories of people who were having fertility challenges. I became somewhat obsessed with these stories and all the different issues people all around me were having. I felt sad for these people, some of who I knew personally and prayed for them… and at some point even early in my twenties, I felt connected to these women. Call it a womans intuition or maybe some horrifying self fulfilled prophecy but my worst nightmare came true.

Lucas and I always knew we wanted kids, and we had a brief stint of being (foster) parents for about two years. We will save that story for another time though. About six months after the girls were gone we decided to officially start trying. I immediately made an appointment at my ob/gyn to make sure everything looked good since I had the feeling something probably was wrong. They found a few little cysts they wanted to watch and I had a total of 4 ultrasounds. It wasn’t until the 4th one that they noticed something else was up.

After the forth ultrasound the nurse came in and said they found something they had not seen in my previous appointments.  She very quickly tells me, “your Fallopian tubes are blocked and that can only be corrected with surgery and if that doesn’t work you can only get pregnant via in vitro fertilization, any questions?’ I immediately tear up and know that I have questions but I’m not sure what they are at this point. I ask what the odds are for successful surgery and she can’t give me any stats. It did not help that the whole thing came across very cold and matter of a fact with what seemed to be very little regard to how I was feeling. Knowing I had several appointments before and it wasn’t caught also made me mad.

By the end of that day I already had an appointment set up at a local fertility specialist. Meeting with that doctor a few weeks later was a much better experience and I can say I honestly feel very comfortable and happy with Dr. Doody’s care and felt good about the plans to move forward.  He agreed that both tubes are blocked and surgery is the best option so we schedule that for the following month. I go into the surgery knowing that if my tubes are damaged past repair that he can totally remove them and I won’t know what happens until I wake up. I remember waking up from the anesthesia and immediately asking whoever was near me “do I still have tubes” and they told me yes. I cried. There was a small glimpse of hope.

Three months of healing and one month of “trying” before I return back to have an HSG dye test to see how the tubes are doing. The right one is blocked so we schedule surgery to remove it. Hope gone. He says that while in surgery he will look at the left and determine if its healthy.  So once again I go into surgery not sure what I am going to wake up to. Just like before, I wake up and immediately ask if the left tube it still there and it is! It wasn’t as great as he would have hoped so he worked on it some more. The tiny hope comes back.

Since then we have being doing IUI (intrauterine insemination). We have had two full rounds in the past 5 months. You see, since I only have one tube, my good follicles need to be on the left side that still has the tube. What is annoying about the whole thing (besides everything) is I have to take the meds and pay for ultrasounds just to determine if going forward with the IUI is a viable plan. Once that part is all said and done we are out about $800 without even doing the actual IUI, which is an additional $600. Insurance doesn’t pay for anything at this point, and don’t even get me started on how I really feel about that.

We will probably give this a few more months and tries but if that doesn’t work it will be time to decide what to do next. Then theres the decision of IVF or adoption, both of which I’m ok with. I’ve always had a calling to adopt so I definitely see that in our future but I still also imagine being pregnant as well. Until then, I have to let go and let God do his work. All things in His time, not mine. That has been a really hard lesson for me but I know it will make the end result much sweeter.

I’ll keep y’all posted on any changes or updates!